Letter of an Unspoken Love…
Hrishabh,
All I hate is the few phrases used…
“Time heals everything”
“Laughter is the best medicine”
“Out of sight is out of mind”
Either I have missed out the measure of it, or these are all disgustingly wrong. If these are true, why do I still hurt? Wait for another glimpse of you? Look for you or your nature in everyone else? Expectations have always been cut back but still it feels like you wanted me to feel that. 4 years now almost and I still wait for you. I still wait to hear from you although I know I have cut off all the means for it myself.
You must be shocked or surprised to read my letter after ages together… Well, it was like i wanted to write this from a very long time but did not have the guts to do so. I am infact not even sure if this letter is going to be sent to u… By now you obviously know or if you don’t, just to reiterate, I have been in love with you from the time we last saw each other, which is almost 4 years now. I know you are married, happy with a kid and all… And I am seriously very happy for you, but I can’t figure out what went wrong??? I still ponder over the things that we experienced (rather I experienced in your company) and smile at the silly acts of yours or the arrogant behavior of mine towards you at the start of our interactions… I still ask myself the question, “where has everything gone???”
The Start…
The year was 2007… I distinctly remember the date (5 June 2007). The day you joined SAM Agency. I was your senior there but you joined in as the Manager of my department, so that made you my boss. When you joined, everyone was gossiping about you and describing you as a very Tall, Dark and Handsome guy. All girls were gaga over you and wanted some space to talk to you in person. I thought otherwise. I found you to be a typical south Mumbai type of a snob. I never found you attractive and didn’t even think of spending time with you in person. I thought of you as an arrogant individual with an unnecessary tint of attitude. If you can remember, the only interactions we had for the initial couple of months were all professional and minimal. So you must be wondering, when did I start liking you???
The Change…
It was August 2007, 2 months into you starting work at SAM. It was raining cats & dogs and they left us all early. We were waiting for someone to drop us to the nearest bus stop. You arrived from the parking lot in your car and asked us if you can drop us somewhere. I was hesitant enough to ask you for help but my friends were more than happy to get a lift till the nearest bus stop. That day you were courteous enough to give us a lift in your car till the railway station. We asked you to drop us off at the bus stop, but you said that we won’t find a bus in these rains so railway station was a better option. I thought you did this just to impress the 3 girls in your car. But I guess I was wrong. I was sitting at the back seat and you were constantly trying to get a glimpse of me through the rearview mirror. You think I didn’t notice it??? Well, news for you mister, girls are very observant and they know what all you guys stare at. Next day onwards you would try to talk to me and I would ignore you on your face. A week later I was transferred to another department and I was more than happy as my interactions with you would be reduced. But just as luck would have it, we both still worked in same office, so we both crossed paths more than often. My manager used to send me to you for some paperwork and I thought that I was still working for you. But these interactions and my manager’s praises for you changed my attitude towards you. I found you to be a very simple guy with an intelligent brain and a smart personality. I actually started getting attracted towards you. Your flirty e-mails started working like a charm for me. I would still think of the car ride in the rain where you were the knight in shining armor for us. I guess that was the day when the change started…
The process…
Once I got hold of my feelings for you, I knew I had to do something about it. I told it to my manager as I found out that he was your best friend at SAM. I poured my heart out to him and he promised me that he will help me. Actually, even you had same feelings for me and you too had poured out the same to your best friend i.e. my manager. When the manager told me about this, I was shocked and at the same time relieved. He organized many night out parties, lunches, dinners, picnics within a span of 3 months so that I could get time to hang out with you often. He didn’t tell you about my intentions but I guess you must have realized by then. You too were very cordial with me. You used to be cozy with me, hug me, kiss me on my forehead or cheeks with affection and I used to enjoy it. People around used to ask you about our equation and you would blow them off by telling them, “ye mere pichle janam ki patni hain and main apna pati dharam is janam me bhi nibha raha hu…” I found it silly but cute. I thought that this is a relation and you are completely mine. I used to hang out with you often, watch the boring cricket and football matches with you eventhough I hated them. I went out with you to jazz clubs just because you like classy music eventhough I am a typical Hindi movie music girl where romantic songs of SRK still take my breath away. I used to hum some songs alongwith the FM in your car and you liked my singing. You even took me to a recording studio friend of yours which I found very romantic as you went out of your way to let me work on my passion that is singing. We went out for movies, celebrated Diwali together as a couple, played Garba with the group where you took care that there was no eve-teasing around me. You used to drop me home all the time and when my mom used to call me and yell at me that I am late, you used to speed up the car so that I don’t get into any trouble at home. All this showed you cared about me and I felt that just like I love you, you too loved me…
The End…
But that was not the case. Almost half a year into it, we celebrated New Year’s party together alongwith our office colleagues. We enjoyed drinks and dance together. We were getting cozy while dancing. I particularly enjoyed the Salsa with you. Being close to you gave me a high of its own. At the stroke of midnight, we shouted ‘Happy New Year’ and I tried kissing you and you too reiterated. I was feeling like I am on cloud 9. That was the 1st time I told you, “I LOVE YOU”. You said, “THANK YOU”. I was shocked for a while. I thought that the booze, the occasion was too much for you and you couldn’t reply back the way I wanted you to. We met the next day and you told me that you need time to think. It was acceptable to me. Then you said you want to stay away from me for few days so that you can think with a clear head. This was unacceptable to me but I agreed as I didn’t have any option. Few days went by and I was missing you like crazy. My hand went to the phone and almost dialed your number to hit the red button just before the call got connected. I tried approaching you at office but this time you would avoid me. A week went by, a month went by, 2 months went by. I was becoming crazier by the day and lonelier by night. You used to ignore my calls. If I called from a PCO, you used to disconnect when you heard my voice. All the time spent together by us used to flash in front of my eyes all the time as I stared at the blank screen of my computer on my desk. My manager used to assign me tasks for the day and would find no work done on it by evening. He was worried for me. Suddenly on 1st March he came to me and told me, “Sonya, I have news for you.” I asked for details and he told me that Hrishabh got engaged last month. It is an arranged marriage and the families started the talks of their relation during Diwali and went ahead with the engagement just before Holi. I was shellshocked. If he knew this was coming, why did he not tell me??? Why did he go ahead with whatever we had??? Why did he act like this???
Today…
It is 4 years now. I am in my own world and you are in yours. I know you are married; you have a kid who looks just like you. Yes, I checked your pics on FB. I don’t know why, but I did that. I deleted you from all social networking sites, blocked you on all messengers, and deleted your contact number from my cell phone. I still remember your phone number and at times feel like calling you but that is when my senses take over and I stop. I feel like adding you back on FB, but don’t do it. I am far away from you right now and I moved here basically with the idea of forgetting you or our time together, but it hasn’t worked. You had said, “Out of site is Out of mind”, well didn’t work in my case. I know you will never want to talk to me ever again. Not that it is a lot different from what it is now. I have waited for so long. But I wanted to tell you what i felt or rather feel for you. It is not that i didn’t try to move on, i did, but you don’t go away from my mind. Unfortunately, I could never hate you. It could have helped me wean away from your thoughts. But it ain’t happening. I have never tried to sabotage your life or marriage or would never want to. All I have done so far is wander about near your house and your workplace and hoped to catch a glimpse. I had tried to convince myself that your marriage was a hoax or that you did it under some pressure because it was all too much too soon to digest. But apparently I was just being foolish, quite like myself.
I haven’t been able to forget you or maybe will never be able to forget about you ever. I don’t think I will be able to love someone like I felt for you. I don’t blame you for anything because you were quite clear about what you felt rite from the beginning. I am not trying to gain sympathy, or I know it is even wrong to expect a reply from you. But I have been in a wild depression for a time which seems like forever!!! I have somehow gotten up from the pit, and I am still recuperating. Every song that we have heard reminds me of us.
I tried to change my direction of life, moved on to another place, but still I long for you. Your thoughts don’t leave me alone. They flow from my eyes. I avoid them in front of company but then I find myself alone… Just the way you left me. Hate everything that reminds me of you so much that I could kill a few people but that is just because they don’t let me stop thinking of you. I know I would never see you again, but I still wait for that day when you might come back to me to say that let’s forget the lost time, and compensate for it. I laugh with everyone very loud but I still can’t hear myself. Why??? I get dressed to go out to party with friends, but there is something missing in my eyes… What??? I stare at my phone for a call although my battery is low talking all day… Who??
I still remember the New Year’s Party where I met you for one last time. If I knew it was the last time I was going to see you I would stay longer, if I knew it was the last time I’m hugging you I would hold on tighter, if I knew it was the last time I’m kissing you I would make it last forever.. I miss you so, tears don’t stop to flow. You are away and happy as you wanted to be, and I’m here all alone holding on to your thoughts unable to move on.. Lonely in a crowd.. I moved far away physically but you still linger on in my mind. Why? If this is love, why does it hurt? If this is love why does it pain? If this is love, why am I the only 1 without any gain?? What did i do wrong? What was my crime? So many questions can’t get them off my mind. I’ve changed a lot. Become someone i hate.. I do all the things I would never think or expected to do. Love is just like a game of cards to me now. I play a new deal I lose but I still play again. With some hope that I’ll win once.. But this hope diminishes with every new day, as loss reminds me more of loss of you in from my life. Now honestly what was my mistake? He behaved and gave me all the correct signs.. You can’t say I imagined it all.. I might have overdone it once or twice but it was the bloody obvious reaction.. But now he apparently doesn’t care i live or die… Told me to get over stuff and told me to let go.
Memory…
I still remember that evening when my giggling stopped, because I was highly tensed since I was late and my mom would shout.. You were driving me back home with your friend.. He said my face looked like an egg.. After a day full of love I was unable to be close to you yet so far away.. I saw you glance at me through the rear view mirror and our eyes met. You wanted me to cheer up so you winked at me.. Your eyes won’t agree to leave mine but I had to tear away to avoid the staring gaze so that I don’t fall for you.. I did smile though, and i would have run to you in your warm arms.. And feel comfortable.. But for your friend.. But I had the security that we will meet again tomorrow.. But i lack that confidence now…
Cut me through and left a scar,
From me you went away so far..
Yet for a glimpse my heart will burn,
In a whirlpool of life you left me to churn..
Every song reminds me of our little affair,
To get so close to any1 now I scare.
Somehow I still love you.. And maybe always will!!! I miss you and I miss every moment of us.. Let your wife know that maybe she doesn’t know the type of person you are, with whom she is destined to live her entire life with.. She is truly a Lucky lady…
With Love,
Sonya.